This message comes from someone who is helping the family. A true angel. The names have been removed, but it is the status of the world for BH’s family. I share it with you so you know that there is a community of love surrounding the family, in addition to all you beautiful people.
The Lovely Wife wants to thank you for your outpouring of care, love and support.
Many of you have inquired about TLW and the children. I've been checking in with her daily. There is no one way I can describe how she is doing. I can say however, that from what I observe, she is facing the reality of BH’s death with courage and a willingness to meet both the pain and the freedom his death has brought about. She is taking good care of herself while being very present with the kids. Unfortunately she did pull her back and has been having some back spasm, but is caring for it.
Friends and family have been around making sure she is not alone. She's gotten tremendous help from many of you with meals, shopping, house cleaning and plain old love.
The children stayed home Monday and Tuesday and on Wednesday the darling boy went to school. When I picked him up from school, there was a lightness about him. I think that knowing that even though his life is forever changed, some things like good friends and school are still there and normal and won't be taken away.
Forgive me if I state the obvious, but for those of you who do see the family or will in the near future, please take care not to talk to the kids about BH’s death unless they initiate the conversation, (and perhaps ask your kids not to either.) At the moment DB feels that his father's death is a private matter (I am quoting his words.) As adults we know we can't protect him from the reality of how public it really is, but for now, if we can just allow him to have a little more time to dictate the pace in which this information seeps in and the time he needs to process the fact that his life is forever changed-it will be a little gift we can give him.
The family took a trip to Santa Cruz for a couple of days with a good friend of TLW. They rented a cabin on the beach with a hot tub. If anyone knows a good massage therapist in Santa Cruz please let me know. It would be wonderful if she can get one or two massages while she is there.(Please let me know by Sat as they are only staying until Sunday.)
Many of you have been asking about making a donation to the family or to acollege fund for the kids. I will give you more information about how to do this in the next week or two.
Arrangements are still being made for the memorial service and we are hopingto sort it out by early next week. I will let all of you know as soon as I know. It looks like it will be on either the weekend of February 23rd orMarch 8th.
With much love,
An Angel
I'll keep you all up to date as things settle down for the family.
Friday, February 8, 2008
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16 comments:
Thanks for keeping us up-to-date, Ronolulu. Somehow I keep coming back to the three sites, just like always, as I imagine many are doing. Well this one is newer but has been added to my visits too.
Every one of us has been changed by "knowing" BH. A grand legacy from this very special man.
Thank you Ron and Angel for the update.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Josephine
Thank you. I hope the family has a restful, peaceful time at the beach. You are such a wonderful friend for them to have. Take care of yourself also.
This is great, Ron. Thanks.
jansenist
Thanks, Ron, you've all been on my mind.
It's hard to be believe this part of the journey is over. I haven't posted about BH's passing yet because I keep checking back several times a day hoping the outcome was different. I knew it would end this way, but what do you do now. I am one of those people who has never met BH, but truly feel blessed to be a part (be it a small and cyber part) of his life. I thank BH for shaing with all of us. He's a stong inspiration for handling his ALS as he did.
It's also glad to see that TLW and lovely children are surrounded with friends and family.
I guess I don't know what else to say besides. Thank you.
Ron--
Please thank The Angel who took the time to write and let us know how the family is doing. You, droid, jansenist, ratty, TLW, and his wonderful kids (those that knew him in person) have been very much on my mind. Wish I could hug all of you.
I'm a little worried--as much as I would very much like to know how to contribute to a fund, etc., how can this be done without "outing" BH?
Didn't he say that his body was to be donated to science? I think that's so cool, and so brave. It means that the family may not have a grave to visit--I wonder how I'd feel if my parents had chosen to do that--I think I need a grave to visit--it's so built into our psyche from centuries of tradition, but I wonder if it's really that big a deal to do without. Maybe after science is done with BH, they can give the body back to the family and he can be buried? Did he ever talk about that with you? Kind of morbid, I know.
By the way, I found out about this blog when my father was diagnosed with ALS in early 2005. I was immediately drawn in and entranced; I loved the fact that he loved Joni Mitchell, too. I haven't met anyone else our age who loves her as mucy as I do. Anyway, Dad died in Dec. of 2006, and I still kept coming back to check up on BH, and to offer advice for situations my Dad had already gone through. Watching my Dad suffer was the worst experience in the world, and I can truly identify with what BH's family and friends were witnessing as they watched him slip away over the months.
Jansenist--where in the DC area do you live? I am in Reston!
I, too, keep coming back to the three sites, to grieve with all of you. Hugs to all. I miss him. Take care Ron...
Liz
Not that I expected differently, but I'm glad to hear that BH's wife and children are surrounded and supported by loved ones. That's all anyone can do at this point, I'm sure. No one can do the grieving for them... I'm glad that they have an opportunity for a change of scenery also.
To Liz, just wanted to say that neither of my parents have graves and I'm ok with that. In fact, the reason they specifically requested NOT to be placed in a cemetery is that they carried immense guilt at not being able to visit their own parents graves in Europe after moving to North America, and they didn't want us to feel obligated to visit a grave site. I knew these were their wishes so I have no problem with it. I'm sure BH made his wishes known beforehand, so I'm sure TLW has time to adjust to that, if it would have been an issue for her. It's such a personal thing. My hubby absoultely wants a grave, and therefore WE will have one. I'm ok with that too.
Thanks to Angel and Ron and BH's family for continuing to update us. Add me to the list of people who visits both sites several times a day...
Bless you all.
Chris
Just a suggestion for a way to setup a place to donate without 'outing' BH's or his family's identities. Someone could set up a Paypal account for the family. I believe those are fairly anonymous from the donater's end and only use email addresses to identify where to send money. Even if name has to be used also perhaps a friend of the family's could do it with their name instead of the family's. So if there were a paypal account set up for this purpose and the details posted to this blog (as a blog entry not a comment - to protect against fraud of any sort), than we could use that to contribute. Just a thought and I know this might not happen soon with everything else to contend with, but I do think it is possible.
Loving thoughts and support going out to TLW, children, and family and friends.
LTG
Thank you, Angel and Ron, for sharing this information with us. I'm glad to know that TLW and the beautiful children are having a few days' rest in Santa Cruz. BH, his family, and his friends are my thoughts and in my heart. I wish you all abiding peace.
I'm deeply moved by these blogs, thank you for taking the time to write. My aunt lives in Santa Cruz and has a wonderful masseuse--Debra Artura
831-254-3270
I hope this helps. After the death of my beloved father in law massages really helped us.
Hi Ron, thanks so much for this. I agree, she is an Angel. She's done so much over the time BH has been in trouble, with so much energy. Someone should try to set up an anonymous account for the kids' college, thanks so much for the suggestions, all. Maybe we should ask Angel or Ratty about doing that?
Thanks for the blessings all--take care, Droid
Thank you, Ron and Angel for this update and for your caring for BH's family. You speak to my heart. I feel so much more calm and peace after reading this.
I value everyone's comments and each and every blog post.
I thought immediately of BH when Herbie Hancock won a Grammy last night with his "River: The Joni Letters."
Here's to BH.
I look forward to hearing details of any memorial service or fund. Thank you.
Love to all, -Holly
a way to publish the blog as book but retain some measure of anonymity, the proceeds split, between causes dear to the family, and the easing of current and future financial burdens, college. what a gift that would be, in several ways.
for me, the fearlessness, or the proximity to fearlessness that reading this achingly told life has given me, that's what I wish I could say thank you for. it's good of you to keep even those of us with a lesser claim to mourning updated. having suffered the loss of several loved ones in the last few years, I'm sending unsolicited thoughts of comfort. everyone will tell you it gets easier, and it does, it will. there's no way but through it, another platitude, but true regardless. and then one day the grieving turns to an ache you're happy to carry, being an honour that carries its own comfort. wishing you all safely there.
A message from a hospice nurse:
It doesn't get better, but it gets different.
Healing comes with an elixer of time.
Don't ever stop talking about him. don't be afraid to bring up the good times and the bad. As long as someone remembers, he is still here.
Well said.
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